My 4-year-old usually lays down after preschool and takes a nap while watching Curious George. Today, he laid down and then came to get me because he wanted something different on the TV. This wouldn’t have been a problem normally, but today, he didn’t know what else he wanted to watch. For real… he shrieked, “I want to watch something else but I don’t know what it is.” That doesn’t make sense.
KIDS DON’T MAKE SENSE.
The situation became a 2 hour temper tantrum. I felt like my 9th grade boyfriend had dumped me all over again, but in a venomous argument (unlike the shitty note he actually passed me in Earth Science). When my
spawn of the devil adorable angel finally finished his wrath of terror, he collapsed into a heap on the living room couch and passed out.
Like a drunk. A drunk, 4-year-old without a care in the world.
I was left with the chip on my shoulder.
I compiled this list while he slept; For sanity’s sake, y’all. Because you can’t rationalize with a 4-year-old. You just can’t.
They don’t give a shit, but they will give you shit.
I’m really looking forward to the end of his terrorist regime. Yay 5.
Here are 20 things that are easier than rationalizing with a 4-year-old…
- Shaving your lady bits while 9 months pregnant
- Stealing a golden egg from a fire-breathing dragon
- Cooking a gourmet meal with a 30 pound baby on your hip
- Menopause in the Florida heat
- Understanding the rules of Curling
- Working for the Sea World public relations firm
- Ruling the galaxy
- Being Barack Obama
- Shopping at Whole Foods on welfare
- Flying a plane through the Bermuda Triangle
- Common Core Math
- Teaching public school
- Sharing an apartment with Sheldon Cooper (knock, knock, knock… Leonard)
- Fact checking for The Daily Show
- Anal bleaching Ron Jeremy
- Trying to talk to my 9-year-old while he plays Minecraft
- Declawing Hemingway Cats (they have 6 toes)
- Shopping at Target without spending $100
- Douching with Brillo
- Accompanying Billy Joel (on piano)
Once, I was able to rationalize my way out of a speeding ticket. A couple of times, I’ve been able to have a rational discussion about American politics in a Southern bar. Someday in the future, the same passed-out, drunken-like 4-year-old who is currently driving me to a state of mental discord will try to rationalize with me about curfew, or girlfriends, or a D on his Chemistry midterm… and I’ll listen.
But I’ll have this list in mind the whole time.
And paybacks a bitch.