So, my brand new refrigerator doesn’t produce enough ice. Like, at all. We live in Florida. We need cold drinks in the summer. Shit, I want cold drinks in the winter too, unless it’s a hot toddy, then that mofo has to be hot.
You know whatsup.
I called the place where we bought our fridge and they sent me off with a phone number for the manufacturer. Good times. So I embarked on an hour-long phone call that started out with, “Press 1 if you like green jello. Press 2 if you want your jello to speak to you in Farsi. Press 3 if you think Al Roker looked better when he was fat.” When I finally got on the horn with a human, the conversation went something like this:
Me: Hi. My new refrigerator isn’t producing enough ice.
Him: Well, how much ice is not enough?
Me: There are only 4 ice users here. It’s not a frat house. At the end of the day, there is no more ice. We are turning to bagged ice and we have a brand new refrigerator. I’m not a refrigerator repairman, but this seems to be a flaw.
Him: Press and hold the Freezer Button until Turbo Cool comes on.
Me: *pressing and holding* Is Turbo Cool a little picture that looks like a 2 pronged power plug?
Him: No, *sounding annoyed* Turbo Cool is a snowflake surrounded by a octagon.
Me: Hmm. No, that’s not happening.
Him: *now really annoyed* If I can place you on a brief hold to get an image of your control panel.
Me: *Humming the Jeopardy theme song really loud for 10 minutes*
Him: Okay, I’m back. Are you sure you’re holding the Freezer Button.
Me: Yeah. It says Freezer, and I’m holding it.
Him: And what happens?
Me: I just told you, the little power plug comes on. Maybe Thomas Edison is waiting for me inside my freezer and he’s gonna help make ice. I’ll check.
Him: Ma’am? … Ma’am?
Me: He’s not in there.
Him: *so fucking annoyed he wants to murder me* I know he’s not in there.
Me: I’m sure you hear that all the time.
Him: Um, no… I don’t. *now he’s pissed, and stern*
Him: You need to hold the Freezer Button down until the freezer goes up to coldest.
Me: Why didn’t you say that? If I want the freezer to go to coldest I have to pulse the freezer button, not hold it. Shit, did you just start working there?
Him: *seething mad*
Me: Okay, so I PULSED the Freezer Button, and OMG! Now I see it, it’s a beautiful snowflake, sleeping peacefully in its octagonal home. YAY! WE DID IT! Now what?
Him: You should have more ice in 10 hours. *click*
Customer service at it’s finest.
If you need me I’ll be over here watching the ice cubes form with Thomas Edison.