It’s that time of year again. Yeah, bae, the resolutions were made and now every mother and her mother’s mother is hittin’ up the local Crunch Fitness like it’s her job. At this point, I just refer to all the new faces I see after New Year as Felicia, ’cause by February, that bitch is gonna be all sorts of bye. Here’s a point of reference for the resolution moms you’ll meet at the gym.
The Prom Queen
This gal makes a Kardashian look like just some lowly hoe vying for attention. She dresses like she owns the place, catwalks like Gucci is watching and is never seen actually working out. If your gym has a juice bar; she’ll be there, surrounded by her adoring subjects. She’s also been known to cry and walk out the first 10 minutes of Power Yoga because the instructor overlooked a namaste in her direction.
The One Who Means It
You can see it in her eyes, this mama means business. She’s gonna see her 21-day fix through until the 22nd day. She’s sweating like she’s never sweat before and the Rocky IV soundtrack can be heard blaring through her wireless earbuds. As I walk by I can’t help but give her the head nod and recognize, Hearts on Fire is one of my personal favorites, too.
The Martha Washington
You’ve seen her before. Actually, you’ve seen her here for the last 10 years during the month of January. This lady is the Foremother of resolutions. Don’t call it a comeback, she’s been here for years, but only for the first 30 days of each one. As you lock your valuables you hear that same voice exclaiming to another newbie, “I’m making a new life choice.” Hopefully, it sticks this year, sister.
Makeup. Clothes. Accessories. Hair. The Fashionista is at the gym for one reason and one reason only; to see and be seen. She doesn’t talk to anyone, she doesn’t look at anyone, she doesn’t sweat, she just… is. Her kids aren’t even in the gym daycare because, nanny and mess. Eww.
The One Who Just Wants WiFi and Babysitting
She walks into the gym with 4 kids. 2 on each hip and 2 beating the shit out of each other behind her back. She drops them off at the nursery and walks into the locker room. You hear her audible sigh. You watch her enter a bathroom stall and she still hasn’t come out by the time you leave for 9:45 Zumba class. After class, you discover her sitting on a locker room bench with a phone in her hand and a smile on her face. You’ve never seen her smile before. She’s not sweating and is drinking a Venti Iced Caramel Macchiato. Yes, you’ll have what she’s having.
Motherhood is hard, getting to the gym is even more difficult and sticking with anything on a constant basis – other than a love for liquid creamer – is commitment.
Maybe I’ll see you at the next 9:45 Zumba.
Author URL: https://www.flickr.com/people/zachoneniner/