My Cheeseburger Bombs bring the boys to the yard, and they’re like, HOLY SHIT IS THAT DEEP FRIED BACON?

We have survived the first week of summer. Barely. Actually, less than barley… minimally. Look, I love my kids, and camp doesn’t start for another week, so I’ve been grasping at straws trying to keep the peace and have a good time. Sadly, I am failing.

But that’s okay.

We are still alive, we haven’t needed any medical intervention (fingers crossed) and today is a new day. Today, I decided to chuck the everyday peanut butter and jelly lunch in an effort to wow my kids. “See, look kids, mommy does care, she really does! She fried shit with bacon on it for you! LOOK, bacon.” Okay, the conversation didn’t go quite like that, but they were impressed, and thankful, and quiet for a whole 7 minutes because they were chewing.

It. Was. Glorious.

I know what you’re thinking, “Amy, please… I too, want to be an MVP mom today. I too, want to knock my kids socks off and have 7 minutes of chewing silence.” Well bitch, you’re welcome. Here is the holy grail for no-school-day lunches and tailgate parties… Bacon Cheeseburger Bombs.


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This is what you need.

Bacon Cheeseburger Bombs
Adapted from Pillsbury

1 can (16.3 oz) Pillsbury™ Grands!™ Flaky Layers refrigerated original or buttermilk biscuits
1 lb lean (at least 80%) ground beef, cooked or 16 frozen (thawed) cooked meatballs (I use ground beef)
1 block (8 oz) Cheddar cheese, cut into 16 cubes
16 slices bacon (One pack)
Long toothpicks or skewers
Canola oil for frying

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Let them help, but make sure they wash their hands first. Kids = Gross.

First things first, pop open your can of biscuits, separate them into 8 individual biscuits and cut those suckers in half. I used a serrated knife and just went to town. At this point the kids are going to want to help. LET THEM. Shit, you guys don’t have anything else to do today, might as well milk this for as long as you possibly can. Once the biscuits are cut you can have your sous chef use his hands to press them into a circle about 3 inches in diameter. You can fix them all when he gets bored and walks away. Trust me.

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“You stink. You smell like beef and cheese! You don’t smell like Santa.”

Now this is getting really fun. Next, place 2 tablespoons cooked ground beef (or 1 meatball) and 1 cube of cheese in the center of each circle. Wrap the dough to completely enclose beef and cheese; pinch seams to seal. Don’t worry if your dough rips or anything. Messes are delicious too.

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Bacon makes my heart go pitter patter.

Now that you have 16 little “bombs” of awesome you should put your canola oil in a 3 quart heavy saucepan or deep fryer. Heat oil to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. MAKE SURE your oil is not too hot. You don’t want to have the outside of your “bombs” burnt to a crisp while the inside dough is raw. That would be bad – not that I’ve ever experienced this or anything (okay, I’ve totally experienced this). While your oil is getting hot you are going to wrap each stuffed “bomb” with one bacon slice – I told you this was health food – and gently secure the loose bacon with a toothpick by inserting it through the bacon and halfway through the “bomb”.

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Ouch, that hurt.

By now your oil should be 350. Make sure to check that shit, and fry stuffed “bombs” 4 to 5 minutes or until dough is golden brown on all sides. While you’re frying, this is usually the time the kids are getting hungry and start throwing random shit at you, like, a metal shopping cart. Just ignore them and fry away. Place fried “bombs’ on paper towels to cool. Repeat with remaining “bombs”. Serve warm with ketchup and mustard, if desired. I guess you can also bake the “bombs” but I’m all about go big or go home over here.

Pinterest Cheeseburger



When I picked the 3 year old up from school yesterday his teacher had an interesting story for me. I guess my middle monkey was playing with a stuffed animal and he kept throwing it on the ground. When his teacher asked him why, he said it was time for the bear to “go to sleep”. So his teacher questioned further (while sorta giggling because she knows us very well) “Do Mommy and Daddy throw you in your bed when it’s time to go to sleep?” and my sweet little boy said, “Yes”.

I actually found this story a bit comical because
A. I don’t hit my kids and
B. He wasn’t really lying.

This past week the 3 year old was refusing to finish his dinner but still insisted on desert. That’s not how things work up in this bitch. You eat… you get a treat. Simple right? But Mr. 3 wants to do things his way, which (although very age appropriate) is a total fucking pain in the ass. So on Thursday and Friday nights he went to bed with no desert, and a temper tantrum, which was finally resolved without books or cuddles but getting a time out, in his crib. Now, I wouldn’t say we “threw” him in his bead… but when a strong 3 year old won’t listen and is trying to kick you, he isn’t laid down gently either.

The moral of this story is always give your kids whatever the fuck they want so you don’t have to explain yourself to DCF.

No, no, that can’t be right. The real moral of this story is that sometimes being a parent means you have to be a dick. They aren’t always going to like you, but they need to trust what you say to be true. If you say one thing and then do another all you get is a kid who’s going to know they’ve got your number. And in this case my little buddy seems to think that if he annoys the living shit out of us he’s going to get his way. I think he might, just might, be finally getting the message that we aren’t going to give in on certain core things. Like eating, we aren’t going to budge on this one. And hopefully we don’t have to repeat the soap opera from the other night. But if we do, so be it.
I might have to get the preschool some new stuffed animals.