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“Mama said they’ll be days like this…”

We all have “those days.”

I’m finding, when you have young children, you have more of the days my mama told me about. Lot’s more. Days where a glass of wine sounds like a good breakfast. Days where all you do is referee the most ridiculous fights (But he won’t stop looking at me {punch, kick} And he touched me first {headbutt} MOM!) but you don’t see the Don King “dolla dolla bills.” Days where you’re wondering how your college educated, brilliant mind, is scooping shit out of a size 5 pull-up. Days where you would pay good money to only have to do this 50% of the time.

Which brings me to my point.

Hubby and I spent our 20’s attending weddings. Everyone was getting married.

Then our 30’s at baby showers. Everyone was getting pregnant.

Now here we are, staring at 40, and EVERYONE is getting divorced.

The majority of my divorced and separated friends seem happy about it. They are out “doin’ it, and doin’ it, and doin’ it well” and I’m reading about it on Facebook while picking peanut butter out of my hair and finding dried snot on my shirt.

I love my family. I wouldn’t change a fucking thing about where I’m at right now. But, when I have an extra stressful day at home of repeating myself a trillion times to deaf little ears… I day-dream about having a weekend free from children.

‘Cause right now I’m on 100% of the time. My husband works 6 days a week and when he walks in the house at 7 pm, you’d think the Ringling Brothers circus just pulled up in the driveway. He’s the awesome novelty act while I am the warden.

“Daddy’s home!! DADDY!!! DADDY!!! DADDY!!”

{and they run to their Father and meet him before he even gets a foot in the door with hugs and kisses and stories about their day}

And I’m standing in the kitchen, making dinner, wearing the baby, hair stuffed into some off-kilter pony-tail.

I’m the Ogre that makes them wash their face, and “grab your backpack”, and “please sit on your bottom”, and “take your hand out of your pants”, and “STOP TOUCHING YOUR BROTHER!!”

And then I hear about all my divorced or separated friends who get their kids at a specific time, a time when they are well rested and the house is picked up, and they haven’t seen them in 5 days so they have super amazing trips planned, and “fun time” on the agenda. They get to have a different relationship with their children then I do.

I’m not gonna lie, sometimes… when I listen to their stories, I’m a twinge jealous.

I used to be super fucking fun.

Before kids, I was the person you called when you wanted to feel better. I was the one who had everyone’s stomach hurting with laughter. I would do stupid, reckless, and hilarious shit. I was a hoot.

But my kids don’t get to see that side of me because I’m too busy. And that kinda blows.

So at night, after an especially draining day and thankless unpaid hours of doing what I do because I have to… I’ll talk to a girlfriend who’s now a single mom. And she’ll tell me all the fantastic stories about the myriad of 22-year-olds she’s out kissing, and how she has her child this weekend and they are going to Disney or a movie or a concert… and I’ll be half listening to her while the other half of me is listening to the baby monitor… where in the other room, I overhear my husband reading a goodnight book to our 3-year-old, while the 9-year-old sits with his baby brother, who is cooing and giggling, and I think about how ridiculously lucky I am that I don’t ever have to share them, or worse yet… miss them.

Although they drive me batshitcrazy, I couldn’t even handle the emptiness I’d feel having to miss one fucking second of their lives.

Not one tear, not one poop, not a single moment.

Full-time Motherhood is a mind numbing siege.

And I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the universe.

 

 

 

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35 Thoughts on “Divorce is The New Black

  1. I have nominated you for the Liebster award. It’s purpose, if you’ve not heard of it is to spread awareness of new blogs to encourage readers. I found what you have to say about your issues to be really informative and honest and think others would benefit from hearing your story.
    http://loveandnaivety.com/2014/05/31/the-liebster-award/
    Check it out and see what you think.

  2. I needed this today! They are driving me batshitcrazy! After having to be an “only” parent after my 1st husband died I realized I might occasionally wish to see how the other side lives but I will love my 2nd husband way too much even on the not so great days raising 6 kids to go there.

  3. I used to be ducking fun too!!!!
    Now I’m just tired all the time.
    I love my little family though, beyond words.

  4. Love this! If I can be completely honest with you I loved going out and having fun but it was because it took away the pain of not having my kids at home with me. I hated sitting at home in my empty house. My house was crazy all the time and when it was silent the first few times I thought to myself “why didn’t I do this long ago?” But the silence was deafening! I’d choose the chaotic life any day!

  5. I have no words except for YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

  6. I love my bat-shit crazy life. I wouldn’t change a thing. When they all graduate from high school and go off to live their lives and my house is quite…I will wish for the chaotic days of questions, neediness, laughter, tears, loud little voices and constant hugs and kisses. This season of life will pass way too quick.

  7. Brilliantly written, completely true!

  8. Exactly. Such a great read. Thanks for bringing perspective to it all. 🙂

  9. If I had a hubby that wasn’t making myself and my kids puke in anxiety with fear when he came home I would’ve stayed too. I tell my married friends this… If he gets a weekend to fish you should get a weekend for your hobby or Netflix binge. Keep you both recharged and eager to parent. 🙂

  10. That is such a great read and all so true. Love it!

  11. Divorce is not one big party for everyone and if you’re still married you’re not actually on 100% of the time as you put it.

  12. I was never super fun. I’ve always been a little uptight and that’s okay. My husband is a hoot and we balance each other out and it works. He was out of town Tuesday-Friday last week and I was alone with the kids and it sucked. I would never want that to be a normal week. I’m leaving town tomorrow morning to go to an old friend’s wedding (musicians get married on Mondays, it’s our weekend) and I’m all bent out of shape about being away from the kids for 48 hours. It will be awesome and I will love it as soon as I’m out the door, but I know what you mean about not wanting to miss anything. Although for me, there is definitely a bit it of “he has no clue how to do it” mixed in.

  13. I usually agree with a crazy amount of what you write. But I’m here to tell you, they might be acting happy but it’s to deal deal with the reality and amount of pain they are going through. I was once one of those women whom said they would never ever get divorced. My parents were married for over 30 years before my dad passed of cancer. If it would have been left up to me, at the time my husband came home and told me he was leaving (a spill we had been through over and over since dating in high school throughout our marriage), there wasn’t an undo button. Too bad, you’re stuck for life none of that mattered when he told me he had a girlfriend and a short time later told me she was pregnant. That was my road. He didn’t care about child support or visiting our son that he helped me raise for 4 years, until the child support came out of his check. He would only take our son when he was obligated to. Lucky for my son he no longer has to deal with a sperm donor. And I don’t have to share my baby.

    • Elizabeth totally agree with you. I never expected my husband to leave me and our three children after 13 1/2 yrs of marriage and 23 yrs of a relationship 4 years ago. I was all about marriage isn’t easy and you have to work at it especially since my parents have been married for 54 yrs. 4 yrs later I’m still working on the divorce he moved out 1 month after telling us he was leaving and not even a year later he had another child. My kids use to stick to regular every other weekend visits for quite since time but now as they have gotten older they don’t go because they don’t want to or he has to work oncall and can’t get them home because he can’t be far from his work place. When I read the article I thought there was a side missing because only the divorced parents who get their kids part time are represented. I do all of the running around with the kids and take care of all their needs whether good or bad. There are days I wish someone would give me a break by taking them but in the end I wouldn’t change anything in my world for any amount because I love my children to the moon and back. It’s not always easy but it is the world that I live in.

  14. Yes. An amazing reminder that all this child chaos now is so worth it. Because one day, they will be grown and gone.

  15. I am for the nuclear family. I was a quiverfull-minded, home-schooling mother of six. It was a lot of work, but I loved every minute of it.

    Now, I’m a 24/7 single mom and only parent of six who put herself through nursing school and is about to start working full time *while* continuing to climb that awesome credentialing ladder. If you are part of a team, please never under-appreciate it. And forgoodnesssake, don’t be jealous of anything. It’s self-destructive. I have been dealt a rough deck of cards, but jealousy and regret only rob me of enjoying the beauty of my state.

    • And there is a huge difference between only parenting and single parenting.

    • Well-put. I was raised by a single mom and she did a wonderful job, but I didn’t want that for my own daughter and was married to someone who seemed very stable. Yet here I am with a 4 month old infant having filed for divorce due to circumstances nobody would have predicted. Be grateful for the fact that you have a husband who adores your kids, Outnumbered Mom.

  16. Love it! Now let’s go grab some wine at lunch sometime!

  17. Bill Van Arsdale on June 2, 2015 at 10:44 am said:

    I had a crazy time raising my kids until I read parenting books, and discovered that all of my well-intentioned parenting style was completely counterproductive to having a peaceful and harmonious family life. Reading and implementing the wisdom contained in Children: the Challenge, written in 1960, totally changed the dynamic. There are other, more contemporary books, like Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) that have much of this information, but Children: the Challenge really nailed it for me. My home when from chaotic to reasonably peaceful in a matter of weeks, and my kids became incredibly empowered to solve their own problems. So for all you parents, especially with young kids, get some parenting education. It will change your life.

  18. Love this one Amy!

  19. Amber Phillips on June 3, 2015 at 4:30 pm said:

    WOW!! Sure there are women out there that are newly single, whooping it up on their nights “off” and making out with random 20 somethings. Many of those women are very lonely, masking extreme pain in the loss of their marriage, facing their own personal insecurities in being single at 40 something and now being in the dating scene, and so many things that we don’t even know etc. However that is not the case for many single moms though! Just because I “get” (like its a privilege) 50% of the time off, I don’t. My ex doesn’t do his part financially, emotionally, or even physically taking her when he is supposed to!! I cant event tell you how many times I have had to hold my child because her father doesn’t try to see her and he lives here and the tears I have wiped from her disappointed face. Being a single mother without financial support from anyone means that I work CONSTANTLY while depending on her grandparents to help me at night so I can pay the bills. I have MISSED so much of her childhood and growth trying to keep my head above water, grow a business, and balance it all. It PAINS me everyday that she is 13 and I cant get back that time I have lost trying to survive. We don’t have DISNEY weekends. It isn’t easy, or fun, and this life is probably more common than the counterpart single women being written about. I wish I could live in such a delusional bubble because I one time, I was super fucking fun too!

    • Amber, thank you so much for your comment. I’ve found writing to be a bit of therapy for me. I wrote this piece after a very demanding day with my 3 sons where I found myself fantasizing about the idea of a whole weekend without them. Obviously, when you’re divorced, it’s never just a weekend, it’s every other weekend. And I came to the realization that as much as I’d love a break, I couldn’t handle that.

      I feel for all you’ve had to endure. And I don’t think divorce is a party. Far from it. I wish you the best. -Amy

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