Mom’s spend a myriad of their mind assisting the kids with math homework. I’ve never found math to be easy, but now It’s become twice as difficult for a mathematical moron like myself. We need to understand the old math, well enough to explain the new math, all the while trying to figure out if the kids have ever even looked at these concepts before. Common core? Yeah, I can’t even strengthen the core I currently have, forget about a common one.
Then I had an Epiphany… what if the math problems were written by moms? We’d know all the answers because, duh, this is what we do.
Time for a pop quiz. Don’t forget to show your work! Break out that #2 pencil for this shit. Ready. Set. Go!
1. The Outnumbered Mother only has two hands, but she has three kids. If kid 1 is whining, while kid 2 is yelling, and kid 3 is limping, how can she solve all the problems?
A. Put and ACE bandage on 3 while consoling 1 and 2
B. Give everyone a snack
C. Tend to 3 while 2 makes 1 a snack
D. Walk away and pour a glass of wine
Answer: D (Wine is always the answer)
2. Eddie has 2 olives, Brenda has blue cheese, and Eddie’s Dad is slightly hot and has some Vodka. How can Eddie’s dad make a great Mother’s Day Gift for Eddie’s mom?
A: Eddie can have a sleepover at Brenda’s
B. Eddie’s dad can bake a blue cheese souffle
C. Eddie’s Dad can make Eddie’s Mom an amazing vodka martini
D. Both A and C
Answer: D (Martinis without children are sure to be a hit for Mother’s Day)
3. Toni has a Poodle. Tina has a German Shepherd, and Rodger has a Dachshund. Where would you find the dogs if Mommy had her way?
A. Toni in the front yard.
B. Tina in the backyard
C. Both A and B
D. Rodger in the house
Answer: C (Keep the dogs outside, please)
4. Elyse has three children: Alex is in college, Mallory is in high school and Jennifer is in preschool. Who won’t eat dinner?
D. All of the above
Answer: D (No one ever eats what Mommy slaves over)
5. Sue is a SAHM with four kids. If each kid drives her crazy enough to drink 2 glasses of wine per day, how many bottles will she need for the week?
C. A case
Answer: C (Running out of wine is not an option)
6. Jessica drops off and picks up two different children at two different schools twice a day. How many times will she say “fuck this” in car-line?
B. Zero, Jessica doesn’t use the F-word
Answer: C (Car-line fucking sucks)