“Laughter is almost the best medicine, losing out by a close margin to alcohol.”

If you’re some perve who happened upon the post with a google search that reads “hot mom pops cherry,” I’m sorry to disappoint you. Unfortunately, I won’t be uncovering the way I was deflowered, today. I will, however, be screaming from the rooftops about the amazing time I had last night as I performed stand-up comedy for the first time. I’m not gonna lie, I was insanely nervous about my first time. 2 nights ago I had a dream I was doing my act to an almost empty theater. The only audience members were my own children, who continued to heckle me and demand I prepare them intricate snacks. It’s a wonder I even showed up, but I’m so glad I did. Last evening was one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life.

As a SAHM, it’s very easy to get so wrapped up in the lives of your children, that you lose parts of yourself. I am the first to admit that I’ve let this happen over the years. I didn’t realize I had cut myself out of the equation for a long time, and that’s not really healthy. It’s totally my fault I haven’t made certain times just about me, and now that the kids are getting older, I’m starting to develop a personal identity again.

I don’t ever want to look back on my life and wonder, “What if?” What if I was more courageous? What if I was bold? What if I just tried? Read More →

“You wanna leave what attached to what? Bad idea, Mom. Bad idea.”

When I first read this article I had no words. Like, I literally couldn’t form a complete thought. I shook my head and said, “Maybe I’m too tired to digest this fully,” and I went to bed.

My dreams were peppered with the shit horror movies are made of. But instead of being chased down by Freddie Kruger, it was a gigantic baby, running after me, pelting me with placenta pieces. Yeah, you read that right. PLACENTA. Read More →

This parenting thing is hard business. We do, and we do, and we do… and then we do some more. Because we love our kids; we wanted them, we made them, we carried them. And then we had them.

Sometimes, being a mom feels shitty. I’m not gonna review all the reasons why, ’cause if you’re reading this, you already know.

I talked to a High School friend tonight. A fierce friend with a killer IQ and loyalty that can’t be replicated. And now she’s a mom. And some people have made her feel less, because of that fact… and that enraged me. My anger made me realize mom’s need some daily affirmations, we need to remind ourselves that we are awesome. We are kickass. We rule.

So, here they are… Momfirmations. Feel free to recite these every morning while you look in the mirror and brush your teeth, or breastfeed, or poop, whatevs. Read More →

When the Ashley Madison scandal broke, I took a long hard minute, before I laughed my ass off.

I mean, this shit is real. Homes are being broken up over stupid indiscretions, and for fucking what? A husband or a wife, wanted a piece of tail on the side? That shit happens every day. People cheat. Lot’s of people cheat. They usually try not to leave a credit card blueprint for all the world to see, but hey, nobody’s perfect.

The only reason I can understand the appeal of Ashley Madison is that everyone on that site is a cheater. Either a husband whose wife didn’t turn him on and clean up after the kids, (that bitch). Or a wife, whose husband didn’t turn her on or make her a cup of coffee, (that asshole). Read More →

Not college, but places.

“You’re running late? What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”

 

It happened again tonight.

I was so close, like a runner in the last 5 miles of a marathon. I’m assuming this because I’ve never actually attempted to run a marathon. I did walk a 5K once, so that’s like the same. Right?

So there I was: 6:45 p.m., the baby had just decided to play toilets-are-water-tables again and the preschooler was demanding I set up Play-doh. As I attempted to do two things at once, I heard a text message come through on my phone.

NOOOOO!

Yes.

“Sorry babe, I’m running late.”

Shit.

I’m usually a rational person. Everyday, I stick my chin up and do what needs to be done: The shopping, the carting, the butt wiping, the cleaning, the laundry, the disciplining… all of the things that motherhood demands. I usually have a smile on my face while I’m doing it too. At least I try to… but there is only so much you can shoulder when you’ve been pushed to your limit.

7 p.m. is my limit. It’s the exact time I am done. Mentally and physically finished with the monotony of my day. It also happens to coincide with the precise time my husband usually walks through the door, but when he’s running late… I hit DEFCON 1. My thought process goes something like this.

1. This can’t be happening. Why is this happening? That’s usually when something monumentally disgusting or outlandish occurs: A kid decides to eat paste, or shit in his underwear and bring it to me so I can “see,” or feed the fish Cheetos… out of the toilet.

2. How am I going to cook dinner and simultaneously entertain these little heathens? Who, ironically, are as done with me as I am with them? Listen, I’m not an awful mom, but I am a human being. And after being on for 14 hours… I’m out of ideas. I’m out of answers. I’m out of energy.

3. How late is late? He’s running late. 10 minutes? 15? An hour? If it’s an hour I will lock myself in the bathroom with the 1-year-old at the 59-minute mark. He likes toilets, so, we’re cool. The other kids will just have to not kill each other.

4. It has been 12 hours since I spoke to another adult. He was bagging my groceries, and I went on and on about the last time my grandmother came over for dinner, just to realize he didn’t speak a word of English. He was a really good listener, though… I should see if he’s working tomorrow.

5. It’s gonna be okay. I can do this. I’ve already been doing this all day, what’s a little while longer? I am so lucky to have a partner to share this with me. OMG, what if he leaves me? What if that’s why he’s late? What if he’s found some hot young thing who isn’t a fucking basket case with unwashed hair and cuticles as long as her nails? She probably wears hair extensions too, all the hot bitches wear extensions now. Damn.

“Hey babe, what’s for dinner?”

“Broiled Salmon, Eau de Toilette. The baby helped me make it.”

“Really? He’s finally gotten over his fascination with the toilet?”

“Yup!”

No… Not at all.

© 2015 Amy Hunter, as first published on Scary Mommy.

Photo Credit:
Author: Jaskirat Singh Bawa
Author URL: https://www.flickr.com/people/jzsinr/

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