Everyone wants a piece of mommy.
This isn’t always a bad thing. But it is an exhausting thing. And I’m starting to wonder where their need for me ends and where my need for myself begins. And just writing that sentence down makes me feel super guilty. Which is really fucked up.
I’m not blaming my family. Don’t think that for a minute. I made the conscious choice to bring all of these little people into the world. There were no surprises, no “oops” babies, no regrets. But how can I still tend to all of their physical and emotional needs, while still preserving a slight sense of self, and not feel bad about it? Considering it’s 1pm and I just realized I haven’t brushed my hair or teeth today (I know, gross) I really need to figure this out. I did remember deodorant though, so I’ve got that going for me.
A good mommy friend of mine just opened a spinning studio. It looks beautiful and exciting and she’s been asking me to come in and take a class. Who am I kidding? She’s a personal trainer, she doesn’t ask. She’s got my number because I need a drill Sargent and I love her sweet ass for it, but I’m not gonna lie… I’m scared shitless of so many different things about this, so much so, that I’m really walking the plank with little baby steps.
Fear number 1…
I am in awful shape. My baby is 4 months old and the only exercise I’ve done is lift a wineglass to my mouth. I have no endurance, a sagging, three-peat, c-section belly and I’m winded after a diaper change. What if I make a fool of myself, even more than normal?
Fear number 2…
I haven’t had great experience with spinning class. I took a spinning class once at the local YMCA. I was young, in shape and childless at the time. I did the class for 10 minutes, said “Fuck this”, hopped off the bike and scrapped the shit out of my shin on the pedal. While I hobbled from the class, bleeding, I vowed to only stick to workouts I like. Which, by the way, have turned out to be “no workouts”.
I’m amazing at not working out. I could take the gold medal in that.
Fear number 3…
And this is the most completely ridiculous and irrational fear… What if I really, really, like it? What if I like it so much that I have to get a sitter for my kids and actually make time for myself? What if I actually get in shape? Will I be able to maintain? Will I have to make separate meals for me and the rest of my family? Will working out cause me to miss out on things I’d normally have to sit around and bear the burden of being the only one to do them? Can I make a plan and follow through on it when it has nothing to do with my children’s happiness but everything to do with my health? Would that make my selfish? I feel so strange about taking time for myself although it doesn’t make any sense when I say it aloud.
She tells me that all I have to do is stay on the bike.
If I can stay on the bike I’ve done it.
If that’s the case I might just sit there and not pedal.