My eldest son just turned 11. And it’s almost like his hormones were all “holy shit, we’re 11. We get to be complete douche bags now,” and his tweensanity has been on the forefront of life.
Now, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, Boy Wonder, as I’ve so aptly named him, is a phenomenal kid; an excellent student, a loyal friend, a die-hard athlete, but he is still just a kid. And kid’s haven’t fully hatched yet into grown-up thoughts. Shit, I know some grown-ups who haven’t fully hatched into grown-up thoughts, I’m sure you do too, so, I don’t expect him to be rational with the rules around here. We have one new rule in the house that he thinks is completely stupid, and he has no problem voicing that at every turn.
Boy Wonder is a computer dude. If he had his way, he’d spend every waking moment on his computer. He’ll probably be one of those guys who figures out how to rig a catheter and blend all his meals – hey, I guess we’ll find out when he goes to college – but right now, I’m his mom.
And. That. Shit. Ain’t. Gonna. Fly.
We don’t go out to eat much. In the interest of common decency, we tend to spare the outside world from the onslaught that is three boys surrounding a table. ‘Cause it’s a fucking shit show. And that’s just what happens in our house. We have doors there to separate our insanity from the general population of random people walking the earth.
But sometimes, even common decency gets thrown by the wayside, and I find myself texting the hubby, “Can we please go out to eat tonight?” And he’s all, “Sure. Somewhere classy.” And I’m all, “Of course, I’m a lady.’
And that’s how our family of five ends up at Hooters.
If you’ve glanced at a newspaper or a television or the internet in the past 20 years you’ve realized that there are many people walking around who shouldn’t have children. Like, “maybe forced sterilization isn’t such a bad idea or an inhuman conclusion,” sort of people. I watch the news. I read the horrible stories of abuse and neglect that seem to occur on the daily. These insane situations are the types of thing that just a headline can send your mood into a tailspin.
So here’s the problem…
While there are human beings out there that are abusing their children, not every parent is abusive. Just like not every person likes donuts (although I’d have to believe if you don’t like donuts there is fundamentally something wrong with you) and some people don’t like cheese (again, these people are most likely insane and should probably be kept away from the rest of us, normal people) but just because I have children, and at times they get upset or unruly in public, that doesn’t mean I am abusing them. Read More →
It’s that time of year again. Yeah, bae, the resolutions were made and now every mother and her mother’s mother is hittin’ up the local Crunch Fitness like it’s her job. At this point, I just refer to all the new faces I see after New Year as Felicia, ’cause by February, that bitch is gonna be all sorts of bye. Here’s a point of reference for the resolution moms you’ll meet at the gym.
The Prom Queen
This gal makes a Kardashian look like just some lowly hoe vying for attention. She dresses like she owns the place, catwalks like Gucci is watching and is never seen actually working out. If your gym has a juice bar; she’ll be there, surrounded by her adoring subjects. She’s also been known to cry and walk out the first 10 minutes of Power Yoga because the instructor overlooked a namaste in her direction. Read More →
I am a Star Wars nerd. I’ve been living as a normal human being for over 32 years. Crushing on a young Han Solo, dressing up as Princess Leia for umpteenth Halloween costumes. Involving my children in the watching of all the movies, wearing of all the clothes, riding on all the rides and coveting all the gear for the upcoming Christmas season.
You should see the shit we’re wrapping right now. Kylo Ren dolls that are almost as big as my toddler. The merchandising on this movie is insane. Spaceballs was right. They do have Star Wars toilet paper.
All these things considered I would be unable to view the latest Star Wars movie on opening day. The baby is too young to go to the movies and attempting to find a sitter just seemed like a waste of time.
I. Am. An. Adult. Read More →