I have never been able to relax. I’d like to blame this on my children, but when I reflect on my entire life this has always been the case. My brain has 2 speeds. On and Off. Lately even “off” has become a bit more of an “on” as I have vivid and insane dreams. I suspect that is my subconscious way of reminding myself I can’t relax.

No rest for the wicked… Maybe.

Today is a perfect example. After almost 14 days of vacation my school-aged children are back at school. A normal person would kick her feet up, stay in her pajamas and watch reruns of the Real Housewives. I tried. I really, really, did. But it wasn’t relaxing. My brain just kept ticking through all the things that needed to be done. The things that had been neglected while I was catering to the demands of vacationing children.

My whole life people have been telling me to chill out. Making me feel like my “all go, no quit” attitude was detrimental. A negative, if you will. But you know what? That’s bullshit.

I’m passionate to the point of insanity. I’m energetic and enthusiastic. If there was a way to slow down I would have discovered it already.

I need to stop thinking that this personality trait is a bad thing. Because it’s part of who I am. It’s woven into my DNA. I will always over schedule myself, be busy to the point of exhaustion and I don’t find the normal relaxation things to be relaxing… at all.

I need to embrace that shit.

Right after I fold this load of laundry.


My 4-year-old usually lays down after preschool and takes a nap while watching Curious George. Today, he laid down and then came to get me because he wanted something different on the TV. This wouldn’t have been a problem normally, but today, he didn’t know what else he wanted to watch. For real… he shrieked, “I want to watch something else but I don’t know what it is.” That doesn’t make sense.


The situation became a 2 hour temper tantrum. I felt like my 9th grade boyfriend had dumped me all over again, but in a venomous argument (unlike the shitty note he actually passed me in Earth Science). When my spawn of the devil adorable angel finally finished his wrath of terror, he collapsed into a heap on the living room couch and passed out.

Like a drunk. A drunk, 4-year-old without a care in the world.

I was left with the chip on my shoulder.

I compiled this list while he slept; For sanity’s sake, y’all. Because you can’t rationalize with a 4-year-old. You just can’t.

They don’t give a shit, but they will give you shit.

I’m really looking forward to the end of his terrorist regime. Yay 5.

Here are 20 things that are easier than rationalizing with a 4-year-old…

  1. Shaving your lady bits while 9 months pregnant
  2. Stealing a golden egg from a fire-breathing dragon
  3. Cooking a gourmet meal with a 30 pound baby on your hip
  4. Menopause in the Florida heat
  5. Understanding the rules of Curling
  6. Working for the Sea World public relations firm
  7. Ruling the galaxy
  8. Being Barack Obama
  9. Shopping at Whole Foods on welfare
  10. Flying a plane through the Bermuda Triangle
  11. Common Core Math
  12. Teaching public school
  13. Sharing an apartment with Sheldon Cooper (knock, knock, knock… Leonard)
  14. Fact checking for The Daily Show
  15. Anal bleaching Ron Jeremy
  16. Trying to talk to my 9-year-old while he plays Minecraft
  17. Declawing Hemingway Cats (they have 6 toes)
  18. Shopping at Target without spending $100
  19. Douching with Brillo
  20. Accompanying Billy Joel (on piano)

Once, I was able to rationalize my way out of a speeding ticket. A couple of times, I’ve been able to have a rational discussion about American politics in a Southern bar. Someday in the future, the same passed-out, drunken-like 4-year-old who is currently driving me to a state of mental discord will try to rationalize with me about curfew, or girlfriends, or a D on his Chemistry midterm… and I’ll listen.

But I’ll have this list in mind the whole time.

And paybacks a bitch.