“Mommy, I want an Umpa Lompa. I WANT AN UMPA LUMPA, NOW!”

If you’ve glanced at a newspaper or a television or the internet in the past 20 years you’ve realized that there are many people walking around who shouldn’t have children. Like, “maybe forced sterilization isn’t such a bad idea or an inhuman conclusion,” sort of people. I watch the news. I read the horrible stories of abuse and neglect that seem to occur on the daily. These insane situations are the types of thing that just a headline can send your mood into a tailspin.

So here’s the problem…

While there are human beings out there that are abusing their children, not every parent is abusive. Just like not every person likes donuts (although I’d have to believe if you don’t like donuts there is fundamentally something wrong with you) and some people don’t like cheese (again, these people are most likely insane and should probably be kept away from the rest of us, normal people) but just because I have children, and at times they get upset or unruly in public, that doesn’t mean I am abusing them. Read More →


“Now, THIS, is a reason to hit the gym!” “Yup, but his dick is the size of my thigh gap.” “Ohh, BURN.”


It’s that time of year again. Yeah, bae, the resolutions were made and now every mother and her mother’s mother is hittin’ up the local Crunch Fitness like it’s her job. At this point, I just refer to all the new faces I see after New Year as Felicia, ’cause by February, that bitch is gonna be all sorts of bye. Here’s a point of reference for the resolution moms you’ll meet at the gym.

The Prom Queen

This gal makes a Kardashian look like just some lowly hoe vying for attention. She dresses like she owns the place, catwalks like Gucci is watching and is never seen actually working out. If your gym has a juice bar; she’ll be there, surrounded by her adoring subjects. She’s also been known to cry and walk out the first 10 minutes of Power Yoga because the instructor overlooked a namaste in her direction. Read More →