Nine months sounds like a forever long time when you’re pregnant. Without the comfort of booze, sushi, caffeine, or soft cheese, it’s as if your life is in a holding pattern. A holding pattern of watching your body become the less-purple Grimace from the Ronald McDonald gang — and let’s all take a moment to thank the cheese gods that big macs are still on the table (thank you, processed cheese gods!) But in reality, nine months is nothing when you’re gearing up for a new job. And that’s really what motherhood is. A full-time job, without pay, health care, or a benefits package, and, after having the baby, you aren’t even the boss but more like a lowly member of middle management. Why? Because your baby thinks he’s the boss — just like the cheeky little brother in the new movie The Boss Baby (out March 31) — and acts accordingly 24-7 by doing these things.
1. He makes a mess. You have to clean it up. When your boss at work makes a mess out of something, the burden falls on your shoulders to clean it up. With your baby, instead of redoing a flawed purchase report (which, of course, needs to be filled out in triplicate), the mess is undoubtedly more graphic, exponentially smellier, and cleanup will often be met with great hostility.