I’m a nervous talker.

I used to think I just enjoyed hearing myself speak but as I get older I realize I just talk and talk to stay away from those moments of awkward silence.You know those moments… all of those “Sooooo……” and “Anyways………”.

Lots of time I say shit before I even get a second to think about what I’m about to say. The problem with having no-filter is that you often say things that aren’t PC… more like NC-17, so it might not be “the right thing” to say but it usually ends up being my honest opinion. That’s why I was so disturbed by the comment of a stranger in the grocery store today. Because, like me, she seemed to be a nervous talker. So the comment that she made was her honest opinion. But I think her way of looking at things really sucks. Because it means that Motherhood is a dead-end road, and I just can’t live my life feeling like that.

I guess I was smiling. I was walking down  the pasta aisle with a shit eating grin on my face. Right then, a stranger, an older woman, took one look at my infant son and I and said,
“You look way too happy to have a new baby!”
I do?
As a mother, am I doomed to be miserable for the rest of my life? Is that what Mothers are supposed to look like? A miserable, angry bitch with no love? Since when is a new baby no longer a source of joy and excitement but rather a burden?
Well, Fuck. That. 

I AM, having a particularly good day today. The 3-year-old had been sick this week and today he is much better and back at school. My 8-year-old is done with the FCAT and excited about his soccer tournament this weekend. The baby, after a couple tough weeks of being sick and getting used to just, being alive… seems really comfy and happy. Tonight my husband and I have plans to go to an adult only event and my parents are watching the kids! So yes, today I am smiling like a prom queen. I’m whistling Dixie out of my ass,  and yes, I have a new baby and I’m happy. And I’m really pissed off for women everywhere that this isn’t considered “the norm”.

Now, let’s just be clear… I’ve had many a moment since the birth of my first child (9 years ago) that make me question the whole point of parenthood. But I’ve had many other jobs that I was paid to do before becoming a Mom that I questioned the purpose of my place in the Universe too. And tomorrow might be a shitty day. I’ll find myself standing in the living room, holding a colicky baby, surrounded by dirty laundry, peanut butter and gum stuck in my hair, while listening to my older sons fight over who gets to lay on the bigger couch for 2 hours…

That very well could happen, and it won’t be the first time, or the last time. But the fact that other women, especially older women, think that child rearing should be a miserable experience has to end.

And it has to end now. RIGHT NOW!!!

I wanted to grab this woman by the shoulders, shake her and yell, “I’m sorry your life sucks.”

But I hid the nervous talker in me behind my smile. And in spite of  my disdain I said,

“I guess I am.”


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