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31Jul 2015

7 Days

by Amy

This is how I imagine I looked as I just lost my shit on the kids. Except without the bangin’ bod, and red hair, and leather. Yeah, I didn’t look anything like this.

It’s been 7 days since my kids were in any type of camp setting and I just hit my limit. The constant bickering, and competition, the “he hit me’s” and “no, he hit me firsts”, the insolence, the taunting, the name calling, the unbearable heat, the tattling, the fact that leaving the house takes 45 fucking minutes every time because no one can ever find socks – while I spend every waking hour washing and folding and putting away laundry like some younger and more surely version of Alice from the Brady Bunch.

I just snapped.

I just broke.

It wasn’t pretty.

Not only wasn’t it pretty it probably was a bit scary as well. Today was not my best mommy moment and I might not be proud of my meltdown, but I’m also not ashamed. These kids, the loves of my life, my DNA flowing through their veins at warp speed, need to understand that I might be an adult, but I’m not a machine. Mommy has feelings too and mommy can only be pushed so far before she lets out a scream.

Tonight, we have dinner plans out with our extended family. Tomorrow, a baptism for my beautiful niece, and on Monday I am planning to drive 1200 with these little assholes on a trip to see my parents. Without their father. I know, I know. I’m insane.

So yeah, I might currently be about 2 cookies short of a bakers dozen but at least I got it off my chest. I do feel a bit better calling them out on their bullshit and explaining to them that although I love them with every fiber of my being I didn’t become a parent to deal with the ridiculous shit they are currently doling out on me. Even as I’m writing this they are both coming to me and offering hugs and apologies.

But this isn’t about being sorry.

And I told them so.

These guys are brothers, not sworn enemies, and the sooner they figure that out the better.

But I’m not holding my breath.

21Jul 2015

The Other Four Letter F Word

by Amy

“I’m sorry, Atreyu. Your father was a rock biter, and your mother was a SNOWBLOWER.”

Years ago – back in 2013 – I read some blog lore written by my girl, RachRiot, about Brian the foot guy. Yeah, feet are like tits to Brian. But to me, they are the way I work through a Zumba class, or walk to the fridge, or hike to the bar, or run to pick up my kids.

You get my drift. My feet are just a means to an end; tacos, a glass of wine, a trip to go potty. And I don’t think that’s the same end that Brian means.

Brian the foot guy likes feet; the way my husband is an ass guy, and I think my brother is a boob guy. This shit isn’t talked about so much between us because my husband and my brother aren’t trolling on the internet asking for pictures of their preferred lady parts from strangers, unlike Brian. He want’s to see your feet. Pictures of your feet to be exact, and he’ll trade those pictures online with his foot fetish buddies. It’s like Garbage Pail kids, but for feet and old dudes.

And if you’re into showing your feet to Brian, he’ll give you 50 smackers in return. 50 bucks is a lot of money and what could a picture of my feet hurt.

Unless you’ve seen my feet.

When I got Brian’s foot text I was astounded. Read More →

09Jul 2015

Kentucky Clerk In Rowan County: Kim Davis, Needs to Quit

by Amy

Partners for 17 years are refused to be married.

In one of the greatest landmark decisions of the Supreme Court in the 21st century, marriage is finally legal for members of the same-sex in the United States. Unless you live in Morehead, Kentucky and Kim Davis is your County Clerk. Here is an awful video of the happy couple being turned away at the licensing counter (read: now, the unhappy couple). Courtesy of Gawker.

https://youtu.be/QU3yCvJWtDU

I really can’t recall the last time I was seething this much. It might have been when one of the kids pooped in the bathtub, or the time I was bitten by a rabid dog (that didn’t actually happen) or the other time one of the kids drew sharpie marker all over their baby brother… NOPE.

Listen, everyone deserves to be married and miserable, just like us straight folks. (That was a joke, but it’s only because it’s true.)

I have never been this pissed off. Because if same-sex couples want to have the legal ability to be married. And the SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES agrees. Then I agree. Then the Kentucky clerk In Rowan County: Kim Davis, needs to agree. Or quit her job. Read More →

06Jul 2015

How About You Refresh My Drink

by Amy

Thank you, sir! May I have another?

Last month I attended my first blogger’s conference. BlogU was a completely amazing time, and a truly life changing experience.

Just the fact that I had traveled on a plane, to a foreign place and was actively anticipating spending two whole days without my children, was in itself nothing short of a miracle. I looked forward to learning all the things and meeting all the faceless people I’ve been talking to on the internet for so long. The first day was a whirlwind. Between traveling and unpacking, attending classes and getting my bearings, I was ready to unwind and relax.

For the evening activity, the organizers held a pep rally. I got the joke. Blog University, a pep rally. Cute. Cichy. Upon check-in that morning we received two drink tickets for the evening’s event. My first thought, “Um, two drink tickets isn’t going to cut it.” And it didn’t. At least not for me.

The room was buzzing with excitement and anticipation. We listened to loads of different speakers: faculty introductions, conference attendees who were writing contest winners, words from the conference sponsors. I sat and listened, reminding myself to take baby sips of my rationed chardonnay rather than the huge gulps I would have normal swallowed in an unfamiliar situation where my children were thousands of miles away. The next speaker began informing the group of a writing contest. Money? The collective ears of the conference perked up. She had our attention, and then we were shown this video. Read More →

03Jul 2015

No, Motherhood Is Not a Job

by Amy

I could go for a glass of wine and a day off right about now.

We’ve all heard it a million times, “Motherhood is a thankless job.” Well, I’m here to tell you, that’s some straight up bullshit. Yes, motherhood is the most thankless situation in the history of time; you do everything for everybody and they only realize this awesome feat when you fuck something up, but motherhood is not a job.

Prime example, today was spirit day at the 4-year-old’s school which means he’s supposed to wear a specific shirt. I vividly remember, washing this shirt, folding this shirt and putting it in his drawer. Of course, we couldn’t find it today. Of course, it’s misplacement was a disaster of epic proportions and of course, my middle child went off to school, in the wrong damn shirt, thinking that I sit on the couch and eat Cowboy Bark from Trader Joe’s all day (which I really should start doing if shirts are gonna grow fucking legs and walk away).

By definition, a job is a situation where you work… and earn money. Shit, unemployment in this country is more of a job than motherhood. And with a job you get vacation time (I can’t remember the last time I had a vacation from motherhood) and sick days (SICK DAYS!!?? I currently have a sinus infection and a double ear infection, still doin’ the mom thang) and mental health days (don’t even get me started on how bad I need one of these).

Nope, I am not working at being a mom. There is no severance package. There is no 5 o’clock whistle. There is no lunch break. Some days, when my head hits the pillow, I close my eyes and recall some adorable moment shared with my children: a funny little nuance, a real belly laugh, a “thanks mama,” or a sincere, “I love you,” and my heart is full with payment. But most days… most days I don’t remember getting into bed; body heavy with the physical and mental labor I’ve shelled out with every fiber of my being.

This isn’t a job because it never ends. My life could be equated with being the janitor at the mall. You mop the mall floor, over and over and over again, just to watch a heard of people walk over the spot you just mopped, leaving a trail of muddy footprints in their wake. Never able to rest the mop against the wall and examine your completed handiwork. Except even that guy GETS PAID!

I really wish I could listen to that sage advice of the old lady at the supermarket. The one who grabs the baby’s cheeks as he gives her a megawatt smile and she touches my arm and whispers, “Enjoy it darling, it goes by so fast,” because I know she’s right. It is going by at a rapid pace, but I can’t even savor that fact because it’s all I do. Motherhood has swallowed me whole and while sometimes I wish it were a job, just so I could throw a basket of laundry on the damn floor and scream, “I QUIT. TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT!” I can’t. I don’t. Because it’s not a job, it’s my life.

A mental health day would be nice though.

15Jun 2015

The Fear of Failure

by Amy

Failure isn’t fun. I don’t think anyone sits around and says, “I’d like to really suck at something today.” Yeah, that doesn’t happen. It is in our nature to want to succeed at every task we attempt. Unfortunately, that’s not the way the world works. There will be times where you attempt something that doesn’t pan out. A failed business, or relationship, or maybe even a hobby that just wasn’t your thing. As adults, we have a better understanding of failure. Kids? Not so much.

My oldest son is very smart. Borderline ridiculous smart. And he’s the one I worry about the most. Because being smart might make things easier for you in certain situations, like, understanding quantum physics, but you still have to apply yourself in the trying of the things.

Smart to my kid is beginning to look like he has everything in the bag just because he’s smart. And as adults, we know that isn’t quite the case. Practice, dedication and hard work are still paramount no matter how smart you are. And with his high IQ comes an overwhelming sense of fear when it comes to failure. It seems he would prefer not to try if the odds are he might fail. This is bad, and I’ve been worrying about this more and more.

Yesterday, my nephew was celebrating his birthday at a local roller rink. Although he’s been roller skating before, coordination tasks aren’t really my oldest’s favorite activities and he stated on the way there that he wasn’t planning on skating. When we got to the party I talked him into getting on some skates, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” I posed. “I could spend the entire party on my butt,” he countered. “True, but you’ll spend it on your butt with skates on your feet as opposed to wearing your shoes in that chair over there.”

Mom: 1, 10-year-old: 0.

And that’s when the most miraculous thing happened.

He skated.

And he sucked, and he fell, and then he sucked less, and then he fell less.

And before he even realized it, he was having fun. With every completed revolution around the rink he’d call out to me, “Mom, I only fell once that time,” or “I haven’t fallen in the last 15 laps.”

The smile on his handsome tween face lit that skating rink brighter than the florescent lights bouncing off the disco ball. Watching him try with the fear of failure looming in the background was a moment I will always treasure, and remind him of over and over again when he attempts to back out of shit.

‘Cause I’m a mom like that.