The 5 Parents You Meet at Baby Class

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So, your baby needs to socialize, or with more probability, you want to socialize, but have to bring your baby. Either way it should be a win-win.

Maybe…

Sometimes it is. Sometimes, you meet that one awesome-amazing-funktacular mom who actually breaks out of the Mom-zone and into the Friend-zone. Hells yeah! If Married at First Sight is possible, anything is possible.

But sometimes, it’s not cool, sometimes you dread it, and then you show up only because you paid for it. Or because the baby likes it… either way, if you’ve hit up one baby class, you’re bound to meet this cast of characters.

1. Mom Who Brings Her Nanny:

Sure, she’s got 5 kids, sure her husband is a big-shot-attorney, but only one of those kids isn’t school aged, (actually, he’s 3) and anyone with 5 kids can handle a 3-year-old by himself. Both Mom and Nanny look out-of-place, like they both know this scenario is just a buffer zone so Mom doesn’t have to converse with any of the other Moms. We might be beneath her, she might have some serious social anxiety, but this is a mom-friend “red flag”. Like a colorful snake in your garage. Thanks, but no thanks. I’m getting what you are putting out. Deadly bites and painful antivenom in the future.

Mom With The Mad Kid:

This Mom is a facade. She looks cool, she dresses cool, she seems nice, and that’s when little Christian walks up to your baby and bashes him in the head with a drum you just had in your hand. The Mom is cool, so cool, she won’t even discipline her little spawn of Satan. When her kid gets a grip (maybe in about 20 years) she’ll be play-date worthy. Until then, it’s cocktails only. Leave the beast behind.

Dad At Baby Class:

There are 3 different kinds of Dad you see at these classes; Those who are chill with chill wives, those who are chill with insane wives, and those who’d rather not be there at all. Stay away from the last two, you don’t need that extra drama and bullshit. Now if you love drama and bullshit, you’ve found your new buddies.

Mom Who Has Checked Out:

Checked out Mom is always staring out into space, but she’s physically there. She’d rather not be, but bless her heart she showed up anyway, for the kid. Everything is for the kids. She’s lost her perspective, but she might get it back if she’s able to take a shower for a nice brunch out. Checked out Mom has potential for the Friend-zone, especially if you like to do most the talking.

Mom Who Wants This To Be Babysitting:

This mom walks in the room and scans the parents/student/teacher ratio first thing. Then she spends the rest of the class talking about a meeting she’s missing and how she really thought childcare was available for the class. HELLO… it’s called “Mommy and Me” not “Mommy and paid Hourly Stranger”. Looking for a babysitter mom is a must pass… unless you fucking love watching other-peoples-kids for free… If you’re into that I’ll be you friend too.

Mom Who Registers, But Always Forgets To Attend:

OH SHIT, we had class today? Damn, gotta fly.

 

The Books

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This morning the baby and I had to go to our local Barnes and Noble (something I don’t do nearly often enough) to get a birthday gift for my nephew. As I walked into the large building I was transported back to my childhood summers. Spent with a weekly trip to the local library because I loved to read and my parents wanted to instill the love of reading in us. Each summer they threw down the gauntlet and issued us a challenge… read 10 books over the summer and write a report on each and they would reward us with a trip to Great Adventure.

In today’s society this might not seem like a huge deal. Summer vacations are the norm now, which can sometimes cheapen the actual monstrosity that planning and executing a vacation is to parents. But for me, in my childhood, summer was spent at the beach or camp and a vacation (especially to an amusement park) was a major deal. I’m thinking that along with the Minecraft book he wants, maybe I’ll also get my little brother’s son his first Harry Potter book for his birthday. A reading-right-of-passage for sure.

As I’m standing in this bookstore I could feel that feeling…  exactly the same way as when I was a kid. All of the stories that live inside these pages, all of them at my fingertips, the choices… it’s one of the most exciting adventures you could go on. The written word is indeed powerful and storytelling is an art. The fact that someone can paint a picture with their words and allow you to step into the world they created is the ultimate fantasy. I think we all need a bit of fantasy in our lives. It helps to keep up with all the mundane bullshit. We all have things we “have” to do… a small escape can be the difference between enjoying the ride or dreading the journey.

I love technology. I love the practicality it brings to my already cluttered life. But I will never love an e-reader the way I love holding an actual book in my hands. Just feeling the pages in my fingers and the weight of its spine… No Nook could ever replace an actual book to me.

This makes me think about the summer I was 12 years old and my Mother introduced me to the Thorn Birds. I was a confused tween who felt like every adult (especially my parents) had it in for me. Reading that book, knowing how much my Mother had enjoyed it too, felt like I had been indoctrinated into a secret society. One where we had something in common other than our DNA. It was a marvelous feeling that makes me always appreciate when my Mother points me in the direction of what she thinks is a good read. I must hand it to her, she has never given me a bad book. Wurhering Heights, Anne of Green Gables, Beach Music. Mama’s got skills that rival the New York Times Bestseller list.

While all the promise of the bookstore is laying right in front of me along with the joy when I realize I actually have time to browse, I am brought back to the real world from my amazing trip down memory lane by a 19-year-old kid with dyed, jet black hair, skinny jeans and boots on in the middle of Florida summer…

“Hello… {while shaking his head}”

Um, yeah Hi. {I smile, what does this kid want?}

“Could you move your stroller? {Then mutters under his breath} Didn’t you hear me the first time?”

Oh, I’m sorry, I must have been somewhere else…

As I move my stroller out of his way he reaches over to grab a skull and crossbones patterned case for his Nook and walks off saying to his friend… “I swear, these Moms act like they own the place. Let’s go get a latte.”

Back to reality.

I doubt he knows where to find the Harry Potter.