Although I was born in the mid 70’s, I was a child of the 80’s. If you watched MTV because they had music videos, understand locker jokes from You Can’t Do That on Television, and had a Trapper Keeper… I know you feel me. Legit, child of the 80’s, feels.
Having kids changes everything.
EVERYTHING!!
I had green hair in high school and wore 14 hole combat boots. Now?? I bake. Cookies, pies, brownies… you name it, I bake it. Betty “Fucking” Crocker ain’t got nothing on me, but I guess I’ve lost substantial street credit. Undoubtedly, motherhood changed me; changed my values, my habits, and my patterns. However, it also changed the way I view things. I noticed this substantial change recently as I watched some movies that were favorites in my youth; but now invoked totally different emotional responses from me. Here are my Top 7…
1. The Karate Kid
As a kid: I couldn’t imagine anything more fantastic than having an older man, whom I wasn’t related to, help me and teach me about karate.
As a mom: I would never let my sons hang out, ALONE, with an old, single man whom they are not related to. Are you kidding me? And why is he giving Daniel expensive gifts? A car? Jesus, that’s a red flag right there.
2. Stand By Me
As a kid: Besides the fact that River Phoenix was completely hot, the idea of an adventure, sans adults, with my friends was a hell yes.
As a mom: Holy shit. These kids could have gotten killed about 20 times in this movie. If not by the evil and disturbed Kiefer Sutherland character, then the train, or the junkyard dog, or the gun, or just wild animals, or if Teddy went mental. This whole movie was just 2 hours of an anxiety laden discontent. I’m still working through this one in therapy.
3. Beaches
As a kid: I loved Bette Midler. I loved the music. I loved daydreaming that I, too, would one day be on Broadway as a big star.
As a mom: The Barbara Hershey character dies. End of. {sob, sob, sob} I could never watch a second of this movie while pregnant. Not. One. Second.
4. Adventures in Babysitting
As a kid: Babysitting, hot guys from college, road trip with that funny and annoying Darryl kid, getting to catch your cheating, slimy ex-boyfriend. This movie had everything.
As a mom: This is the stuff that nightmares are made of. This is the reason I never leave the house childless {shiver}.
5. The Breakfast Club
As a kid: This movie was cutting edge. It was real, it was raw, it was AWESOME. We didn’t have cable so I watched this one with the horrible TV dialogue edits… “Hot beef injection” was changed to “Hot wild affection” and I didn’t even care. I had this one memorized. Word. For. Word. Actually I think I still know this movie by heart, yet I walk into the bathroom and can’t remember what I went there for.
As a mom: Why don’t schools offer shop classes anymore? Holy crap, I hope my gifted child isn’t so concerned with achieving, that he tries to hurt himself (with a flare gun). I can’t believe they smoked weed in the library. We never did anything like that. {cough, cough}. John Bender is still totally hot. At least that hasn’t changed.
6. Back to the Future
As a kid: Doc Brown? The eccentric inventor was every kid’s dream as a BFF. Micheal J Fox was at the height of his popularity as Marty McFly. Even my mom swooned over him. Time travel, the DeLorean… an amazing cinematic superstar. I loved Back to the Future.
As a mom: Again with the old man/teenage boy thing. What was up with the 80’s? And the idea that my child would get to witness my high school self? Omigod, please no.
7. The Goonies
As a kid: The Goonies had it all! Adventure, romance, friendship. I mean, for Christ’s sake, they went on a TREASURE HUNT in underground caves. The Goonies was the tits.
As a mom: Where the FUCK did their parents think they were? I mean, really? By the time Chunk called the cops hadn’t there been an Amber Alert issued already? And instead the sheriff thinks he’s lying because he’s an eternal storyteller? And don’t think The Boy Who Cried Wolf reference was lost on me. Cave kissing? Being chased by the Fratellis and stuck in a freezer with a dead body? I. Just. Can’t.
Motherhood isn’t just what you do… it’s what you are.
You sleep it. You eat it. You breathe it. You own it.
It can’t be turned off or toned down.
I wonder if At the Movies was different for Gene Siskel after he had children.